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How to Cope with Child Stress in Traumatic Situations

6 October 2024

In some situations, it seems impossible to keep kids from being scared or anxious, but as parents, we can and should help them deal with stressful or traumatic situations so that they are safe and less stressed. This is true for kids of all ages.

Before we can talk to our kids, we need to make sure we are calm. This is the only way to make them feel better and explain what's going on in a way that fits their age and meets their needs.

How to help kids who are worried get rid of their worries

  • Don't forget that not everyone will respond the same way. As parents, we know our kids better than anyone else. That way, we can best figure out how our kids are showing how they feel.
  • If your child goes back to old habits that are better for younger children, be patient and understanding.
  • Do not stop kids from saying what they think and feel. We can send this message by showing interest in what's going on with them by asking them questions. You could also relate to their kids what you're going through. This will promote more discussion on the subject and encourage more sharing. Do not forget that kids can want to talk about things now and then.
  • Try telling the kids the right things at the right time for their age in a way that works for them. Don't tell them something if they don't want to know it. But you shouldn't answer their questions either. You could say that you need more time to think about it but are glad they asked. You could also say that you'll answer soon.
  • Follow through on goals and habits. You should change the pattern to fit the new situation and talk to the kids about the changes that need to be made. If there are a lot of problems, it is better to stick to the original plan and be angry and upset with them.
  • You might want to let the kids make some choices. They feel more in charge. Like, let them pick out what they want to eat for dinner tonight.

Note: if your child's anxiety feelings get worse or last for a long time, you might want to talk to their primary care doctor or get them psychological help.

When kids are stressed, they react in different ways. Some people may respond by being quiet and distant, while others will show their stress and worry, like crying. When it comes to kids, it's not so much their age as their attitude, their family, and how they get along with others in their family.

Children may also show their distress by being alert and agitated, complaining about having the same thoughts about what happened over and over, becoming more sensitive, having strong reactions like holding on and staying close to a parent, showing sadness and withdrawing or crying, being irritable, and throwing temper tantrums. For some kids, this stress will show up as trouble sleeping. For others, they may avoid things that remind them of the things that scare and worry them.

Even though we can't stop our kids from being scared or stressed, we can make them feel better about being safe. As parents, we should help our kids through situations and times of stress to keep them safe and to make kids of all ages feel less worried and upset.

But first we need to take care of ourselves. The first rule of flight safety says that we need to put on our own gas masks before we can help the kids do the same. In other words, we need to be calm, in charge, and ready to take care of our kids and talk to them about staying safe and sound.

Note

Note

There may be a need to talk to or see a psychologist if your child's worry signs get worse or last a long time.

Advice on how to help kids deal with and get rid of stress and concerns

  • Remember that kids handle stress in different ways, so we can't expect them all to act the same. It's usually us parents who know our kids the best. So, we can best figure out how our kids are showing their own unique emotions. It is suggested that you just be there for them.
  • When someone goes back to old habits or regressions, be patient and understanding. Some kids may wet the bed again, sucking on a pacifier, or hanging on to something that makes them feel better when they are stressed. Some kids might have trouble going to sleep by themselves, etc.
  • Listen and ask them to talk. Having time to talk with other people is important and comfortable. You should let the kids talk about how they feel and what they think. One way to send this message is to ask them questions and make them feel like you're interested in what's going on with them. Speaking to their kids about what you're going through is another option. Adding to the talk on this topic and encouraging people to share will help it grow. Keep in mind that it's fine if the kids want to talk every so often.
  • Ask the kids to start the conversation and talk about whatever they want. You can talk about everyday things, "nonsense," or the stressful situation. You shouldn't stop asking and being interested, even if the child says "closed" answers like "cool" or "okay" or suggests that you are "bugging" them. Make the effort.
  • Make sure you give correct information that is also proper for the child's age. Try to give exact knowledge that is age-appropriate and meant to meet the child's needs. You shouldn't deliberately give them information they don't want or avoid answering their questions. Answering that you're glad they asked you might help if it's hard for you. Just say that you need some time to think about it and that you'll get back to them with an answer. In the event of a trauma or an emergency, like a war, it is important to let the kids know what is going on and reassure them that they are safe right now. You might want to hire proper people who can make the child feel safer. Such as: There are cops or soldiers here who are in charge of everything and are now watching out for us.
  • Try to keep to plans and routines you're used to. Keeping up with daily routines and activities will help keep the kids busy and "free" of fears during times of worry and stress. Making sure you stick to a plan also helps you feel safe and calm. For example, if your kid is very upset and stressed, you could add a "worry time" to your schedule where you talk about the things that bother your child. Obviously, that doesn't mean the kid should be quiet all day. Although setting aside a certain time each day for "worry time" can help some kids do better the rest of the day.
  • Give your kids a sense of power at home by letting them make some choices, like what to prepare for dinner or what to do in the afternoon.

What to do when your child shows signs of being distressed

There are some common cases listed below, along with suggestions for what you should and shouldn't do.

The kid doesn't want to be alone or go to preschool or school.

Do's

  • Encourage them and give them hugs to make them feel safer.
  • If you can, stay with them. You can think of ways to help the child so that they are more likely to want to go to school. One thing you could do is give them something they love that they can hold close when they are scared.
  • Stick to routines and plans that you know.
  • In the morning, someone from the school staff might be able to welcome your child. You could also ask a senior to walk them to class.

Don'ts

  • Show that you're mad and make fun of their worries.
  • Allow them to skip school without any consequences.

Not wanting to eat, throwing up, or spitting out.

Do's

  • Stick to good eating habits and regular meal times.
  • Let them pick their own food as long as they follow the house's rules.
  • Food is part of a larger social ritual called a meal, which includes parts that are aesthetic (the food should look good), physical (the food should taste, smell, look, and feel good), and social (people should talk and laugh). You should try to fit your child's interests into the things you do.
  • Add game-like aspects to mealtimes. Pick flakes in fun shapes, place the food on the plate like a painting, make a sandwich with your own style, and so on.

Don'ts

  • Make the kid eat.
  • Having a fight with the child.
  • While sitting on the swing or watching TV or other screens, do something else to get rid of the problem. You should be aware of and choose what you eat. Do not do it without thinking while you are busy with something else.

Bed peeing, leakage, and problems going to the bathroom.

Do's

  • To help them feel safe again and cool down, talk to them.
  • Help them take regular trips to the bathroom.

Don'ts

  • Take a stand and get angry. You're only making things worse for your child.
  • Make your kid put on diapers or "night underwear" again.

Worries about having nightmares, falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night, or being left alone in the dark include these fears.

Do's

  • Keep up with your normal bedtime and pre-sleep routines.
  • Let the child know you understand what worries them and try to make them feel safe. Whenever your child is awake, you can and should talk about what could help them. Putting up pictures of family members like mom and dad next to the bed can make the child feel safe and protected. Sometimes, the child's favorite superhero can help them stay quiet. Other times, a nightlight or music that makes them feel calm can help them sleep.

Don'ts

  • When the child is scared, put them in your bed. You should calm them down in their own bed.
  • Do not give them medicines that will make them sleepy or calm down unless a doctor tells you to.

When kids feel like they can't do anything, they sometimes act out by being aggressive or angry.

Do's

  • As you talk to them, encourage them to talk, draw, or play to show how they feel.
  • Make rules about how bold they can be and what they can expect.
  • Try to figure out what's causing this behavior and do something about it. Like, does the child act out after seeing a certain friend or after doing a certain action (like math class, taekwondo class, etc.)?

Don'ts

  • You should be mean to them and try to calm them down. They need to be calmed down in a way that is helpful but not mean.

Arguing, non-stop talking.

Do's

  • Listen and look for ways to calm down this energy.
  • Do your best to give them something to do.
  • Put limits in place.
  • It's important to be honest about what's bugging you, and you should try to find a way for both you and your child to be able to talk without being interrupted.

Don'ts

  • Have a fight with your kid to get them to stop.
  • Say that their feelings aren't valid and brush them off.

Having trouble focusing the child's attention on one thing, or not being able to decide what they want to play with or do.

Do's

  • Give them clear, short, and easy tasks.
  • Your child can choose from a few different things to do, and you can let them decide what they want to do. You shouldn't get too excited about not doing anything. There are times when being bored makes us more creative.
  • If the child really can't make up their mind, you can "teach" them techniques for how to choose and also support them to try something, even if the end result will be bad.

Don'ts

  • Become angry or put stress on them.
  • Help them figure it out or make a choice.

Stillness, sadness that won't go away, less activity, loss of appetite, and looking blankly.

Do's

  • Since these aren't simple signs that should be a cause for concern, you should try to figure out what started this and whether it always happens after a certain stimulus. Additionally, you should keep an eye on whether these signs only happen at home or also when your child is with friends or at school.
  • Pay close attention to this kid and try to start a talk with them.
  • Give them food and warm drinks.

Don'ts

  • You shouldn't be mad at them or feel too sorry for them.

Headaches or stomachaches, numbness or stiffness in different parts of the body.

Do's

  • These could be mental responses that show up in the body. So, along with a physical exam, you should talk to your child about this and pay extra attention to what they say.
  • Give your child a place to rest that is calm and quiet.
  • It's important not to ignore these signs and get them checked out, especially if they are unusual ones like weakness or paralysis. First, you should talk to your child's primary care doctor. This doctor knows your child well and can rule out any health issues. After that, you might also want to talk to a mental health provider if you need to.

Don'ts

  • You should blame your child for being sick.
  • You can give them over-the-counter medicines.

Sucking your thumb, masturbating more, and stuttering.

Do's

  • If your child started stuttering out of the blue, you should accept it and not finish their sentences or push them to go on. You should also help them understand that this is just a temporary sign of their problem and that it will go away once they feel calmer. You could also talk to a mental health provider.
  • Masturbation that gets worse over time can be a sign of trouble. Even though masturbating helps the child relax, it should only be done in private places (not in the middle of the house, next to other kids, or in a way that could hurt them).
  • A common way to "self-soothe" is to sucking your thumb. If the child's behavior has returned, it could mean that they are upset or tense, and you may want to pay extra attention to them to see if there are any new things in their life that are making them worried.

Don'ts

  • You should probably not talk to the child about these habits. Do not scream at the child, do not freak out because of these behaviors, do not say things over and over again, and most importantly, do not say things about these behaviors in front of other people. But it's also important that you don't ignore these habits; if you need to, you should see a doctor.

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