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Parental Well-Being: Recommendations for Parents of Infants and Babies

21 November 2024

Children bring a great deal of joy into our lives but also a great deal of hard work, exhaustion and complex emotions. You should remember that parenting is a long journey that is only just beginning. We learn to be parents on the go and do the best that we can. It is important to be self-forgiving.

Here are several practical recommendations for coping with the familiar challenges at the start of parenthood:

  1. Coping with complex emotions: guilt is an emotion that accompanies many parents throughout their years raising their children. Self-criticism creates stress, diminishes happiness and distances us from the goals that are important to us as parents. It is important to notice when guilt begins, and to try to adopt a more compassionate approach towards ourselves. What would we say to anyone else in our shoes? The key is treating the feelings of guilt in a friendly and non-judgmental manner.
  2. Fill the parental jar: if we think of ourselves as a jar, the liquid inside the jar is our energy and capability to cope with life’s challenges. Make sure to fill the jar with everything that recharges you, even small and daily things, such as exercise, talking with a friend, listening to music, or a date with your partner.
  3. Fill the children’s jar: children’s jar of energy also fills and empties every day. We do not control everything that happens to them during the day, but part of our job is to fill their jar at every opportunity, to send them out into the world with a full jar.
  4. Building an optimal routine: the family routine creates a sense of belonging to the family, increases the children's sense of security and makes it easier to cope with changes as well as challenging behaviors attributed to transitions between activities. It also helps create healthy eating, hygiene and sleep habits.

Children bring a great deal of joy to our lives, but along with the joy, so many other feelings: concern, excitement, agitation, fear, guilt, love of a kind we never knew before. Alongside the ability to cope with these emotions, there is also a side of life management that is completely different from the life we knew beforehand: the need to create a comfortable routine, the need to maintain the relationship with our partner, the ability to be our child’s anchor even in complicated times, and the flexibility that is required in the face of constant change.

What is the most important thing to remember

Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint

This is only the start of a long journey, and you do not have to do everything all the time. Sometimes even 5 minutes of quiet and close time with the child will make a difference.

It is important to be self-forgiving

This period in life is joyful but also complex and challenging. We do the best we can and that is enough.

Taking care of ourselves is just as important as taking care of our children

It is important to dedicate time during the week to activities that replenish our strength and energy.

Here are several recommendations for coping with challenging situations at the start of parenthood

They say that with the birth of a child, a new emotion of guilt is also born. Feelings of guilt can accompany parents throughout the time they raise children. We sometimes experience it at low intensity while at other times, we feel them more than usual, such as during life changes like the birth of a sibling or returning to work after maternity leave, when facing financial and family difficulties or when we are tired or powerless to deal with challenging situations the way we would like.

The perception that says that a good parent is a perfect parent contributes to this feeling of guilt. Who does not want to do everything? To keep a house that is neat and clean, to make sure that the children are well dressed and cared for, and to demonstrate infinite patience when with the children and when playing with them? Because of the image in our heads of a perfect father or a perfect mother, every failure to live up to this image triggers self-criticism, which then generates stress and harms mental well-being and sense of parental competence. This type of criticism harms the ability to learn, diminishes happiness and ultimately distances us from the goals that are important to us as parents.

Switching images: a good enough parent

A good parent is not a perfect parent. A good enough parent is a parent who adapts himself or herself to their children in terms of availability, sensitivity, response, efficacy, warmth and enjoyment. It does not always work... a good parent can make mistakes but can also correct them. A good parent allows his or her children to experience frustration and understands that only by coping with frustration will their children grow and develop. How will children learn to crawl if everything they want is immediately given to them? How will children learn to cope with frustration? Parents who make mistakes and correct them, who cope with frustration, crying or negative emotions provide their children with the experience of learning and growing. Parents who also take themselves into account and understand that their children need them fully energized and with a joy of life - give their children a good enough parent.

Coping with guilt: less judgment, more compassion

It is important to notice any rising sense of guilt, what we tell ourselves during these moments. Ask yourselves: is the sense of guilt teaching us about something that we want, and is another possible way? If the answer is yes, then it is possible to change. If not, try to adopt a softer, less judgmental and more compassionate approach towards ourselves.

What would we say to others in our situation, who are blaming themselves? Try to say this to yourself as well - "I know it is important to you that the house is clean and neat, but today it was really beyond your ability", or "I know you want to be a fun and patient father, but today you simply did not have the time and the conditions for that". It is not easy, but if we manage to listen to the feelings of guilt in a friendly and non-judgmental way, it will help us make decisions that will ultimately help reduce the difficult emotions and help both us and our children be happier.

Being a parent is not just happiness but also difficult and frustrating work that we all experience. Compounding this is the lack of sleep, the worries, the stress and the occasional feeling of "it is not okay to complain”, which deplete energy and strength.

As parents, we can think of ourselves as a jar. The liquid inside is our strength and capabilities to cope with the daily burdens and challenges of life. Every demand by our environment empties some of the liquid in the jar. Once the jar is empty - our strength and resilience are limited. How can you cope with this?

Here are several steps that can help

  • Get help from relatives: first of all, it is important to know - you, us - are not alone. It is ok to feel that it is hard, that this is not what we imagined. It is useful to share and allow space for difficulties and feelings with your partner, friends or relatives or professionals. It is slightly easier when you do not feel alone.
  • Replenish your strength: in the flight safety instructions, passengers are told that if necessary - first put on the oxygen mask on ourselves and only afterwards on the child. Similarly, when focusing on the best interests of the child, it is important that we take care of ourselves, the parents.
    What fills our jar? Small things, daily things, which make us feel good and recharge our batteries. For example, preparing an ice coffee to pick ourselves up, taking a walk, listening to music, going on a date, taking an exercise class or meeting a friend.
  • Mark small successes: we will choose at least one activity for ourselves to do in the upcoming week. We will write to ourselves exactly when we will do it and what needs to happen in order for us to do it (need a babysitter? Need to buy something special? Need to schedule time with your partner?). Did you get it done? Excellent! Did you not? Tomorrow is a new day...

Our children can also be thought of as jars we must fill with energy. During the day, their jar fills and empties, based on what they experience that day: a friend snatched their toy? The jar is a little emptier. They did not like what they had for lunch? The jar empties some more. Their clothing is slightly irritating on the back? The jar empties out even more. In contrast, when the preschool teacher hugs, when we say a kind word, when they feel that they are seen - their jar fills up.

Since we cannot control everything, part of our role as parents is to fill the children's jar as many times as possible during the day, to send them full out into the world.

Here are several ideas for filling the children’s jar

  • Be with them: take several minutes to join them in their activities, simply be with them.
  • Dance together: create a playlist with songs they love and dance together with them in the living room, in the car or anywhere else.
  • Tell them you were thinking about them: tell your children you were thinking about them during the day and elaborate why or when (such as "I was preparing orange soup because I know that this is your favorite soup!").
  • Hug them: gently hug them when they pass by you or invite them for a hug without them asking.
  • Read to them: read to your children. There is no age limit for this. Whether it is a children’s book or a young adult's novel, it is always fun to sit together on the couch, hugging and listening to a story.
  • Give options: allow children to choose what to do one day from a list of defined age-appropriate options.
  • Make food smile: prepare dinner together and try to ‘dress’ the food with as many smiles as possible, with various products (smile on the sandwich made out of peppers, smile on an omelet made with paprika, and more).
  • Pampering bath: bubble bath.
  • Offer a treat: for example, everyone wearing pajamas the entire afternoon or laying blankets on the rug and sitting on them together, eating dinner somewhere other than at the dining room (on the living room rug, on the porch, in a tent in the living room).

Every family has its own unique routine. The family routine enables family members to know who does what, when, in what order and how frequently. It helps children understand what is important to the family, creates a sense of belonging and reinforces family bonds. For example, eating a family dinner every night creates personal and family resilience. Routine also increases the children's sense of security by allowing them to know what is expected later in the day, the week, and in general, making it easier to deal with changes and challenging behaviors associated with transitions between activities. It also helps create healthy eating, hygiene and sleep habits.

Creating a routine does requires some planning and effort, but it pays off for parents as well. This allows for efficient management, reduces struggles and “nagging" and reduces stress. At the same time, it is important to remember that routine does not have to be rigid and inflexible. Last minute changes and surprises are a natural part of life.

Here are several tips for creating a family routine:

  • Planning a daily schedule: planning a structured but flexible agenda that will allow us to feel that we are in control on the one hand, while also allowing the children to choose activities on the other hand is beneficial.
  • Regular activity in the challenging hours: every family has challenging and stressful hours during the day, such as meal preparations. Creating a daily schedule that involves a regular and pleasant occupation for the children frees us to be involved in another activity.
  • Scheduling fixed times for activities: schedule fixed times for meals (morning, lunch, evening), creative activities, physical activity, quiet time (reading, puzzle) and rest in the daily routine. Do not forget to leave free time, during which everyone can engage in their own activity.
  • Involve children in household chores: daily activity can become fun with children. For example, preparing family meals, hanging laundry, sorting socks, and so on.

This is how we will help children cooperate with the planned schedule:

  • Prepare a weekly schedule: prepare a board with a simple schedule for the week planned and hang it in a visible location in the house. On the board, you should write the various activities, and discuss the planned routine with the entire family. You can use the board to mediate changes: "Usually mom picks you up from preschool, but today grandpa will pick you up”.
  • Allow time for choosing: it is important to talk with your children about the parts of the routine that they can do or choose for themselves, for example choosing a game or creative activity.
  • Develop responsibility: think which parts of the routine can be the children’s responsibility. This can be an excellent time to learn new skills and help the family with household chores. For example, a preschooler can set the table before the meal.
  • Offer positive feedback: pay attention to children and praise them when they follow the planned agenda without help.

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