Parental Well-Being: How to Break the Cycle of Anger

We will be with the children in the moment they are experiencing. Instead of saying: “But the spoon that you wanted is dirty! / We explained that we can’t go to the park now because it’s raining / You can't watch another video because you have already seen a lot today", we can verbalize our feelings by stating: “You really wanted that particular spoon / It's too bad that we can’t go to the park right know because everything is wet / It's really hard to stop watching videos and switch to another activity".

When we say “no” to children or ask them to stop behaving in a certain way, they remain slightly confused, in a vacuum. They do not know what they are allowed to do. It is therefore important that we add an option of what is allowed: "At home we don't run, we can run outside / We don't throw sand at other people, we can throw it in that direction / It's rainy today, but tomorrow we can go to the park because it will already be dry".

Children, like adults, do not like being told what to do. They want to feel that they can express themselves, that they can choose and act. We can give them several defined options: “What do you want to do first - brush your teeth and then shower or first shower and then brush teeth? / What do you want on your plate - an omelet and cheese or cucumber and cheese?”. At the same time, multiple options are too stressful for some children. Giving options should be used mainly in situations where we or the children are in a continuous cycle of arguments or anger. It is important, however, to remember that there are cases and times when we as parents simply have to say what we are doing and how, for example when we near bedtime, or when we need to leave the house or give a medication.

When there is a challenging situation that requires establishing boundaries, instead of instructing the child to do something, it is better to say (in a pleasant atmosphere, before the anger starts) what we are about to do so that it will be easier for the child to comply with the boundary that we establish. For example, instead of saying "Stop playing with the ball now, your baby sister is trying to sleep!", say something like: "I see you really like playing with the ball and you can't stop, so let me help you. I'll take the ball now and return it to you later after she wakes up”.

We all love to feel like we are part of something, that we are beneficial and special. You should, therefore, consider assigning a chore that the child is particularly good at, even if it is small and seemingly unimportant, and appoint the child to be in charge of performing that task. For example, “You are the best at organizing the shoe drawers! Better than anyone else! Do you think we can put you in charge of this task?”.

Play transitions children from a situation of frustration to one of imagination. Playfulness is an excellent way to air out challenging situations. Even if we are extremely angry or do not feel like playing, it is worth remembering that it is an effective tool to interrupt the annoying situation in which we are - even if this means we must fake it occasionally. You can say, for example: "Let's see if you can reach the shower by jumping like a frog! / You will collect the blue cubes and I will collect the red ones. Let's see which cubes will run out first! / A rescue team will save all the dolls from the floor!". You must remember that competitions and games stress some children or may cause them to become over-enthusiastic. For this reason, use this tool if it suitable for the child, for the time of day and the home atmosphere that you wish to establish at that moment.

Children love listening to stories. We can occasionally relay our message through a story to increase the chances of them listening and possibly learning from it. For example, to a child who wants everything his little brother has, we can talk about ourselves, and how we once really wanted the bike that our friend had, and how hard it was to want and not get it.

Spectacular scenes of crying or anger of our child in public places or before acquaintances and family can embarrass and frustrate us. You have to remember that this happens to everyone... There is not one parent who has not experienced this and understand exactly how we feel at that moment. Instead of focusing on who is around us, we must focus on ourselves and on our child. Instead of saying “Forgive him, he is tired”, approach and sit next to your child, and try to establish eye contact without talking. Wait until the child is slightly calmer. You do not need to say a word. Just being near the child is sometimes enough but you can also say “I’m here to be with you”.